Interpersonal Conflict in a relationship
Dear Readers,
I may need your help in this matter. I have two friends, Arina and Zakir who are currently in a relationship. However, their relationship is currently unstable. This is because both feel that they are the only one putting in a lot of effort into the relationship. One day, both Arina and Zakir called me at a different time to explain their problems. Each of them had a different point of view of how they have treated each other.
On Arina’s side of her story, she told me that she had been texting him every day but Zakir would only reply to her texts only at night or the next morning. He told her that he was so busy that he could not text her back. She also explained to me that she went to his place and bought for him bean curd when he was ill. All she got was a reply from his saying “Do you know your way home?”.
On Zakir’s side of his story, he complained that Arina did not bother to call him to show that she was worried for him. He then further explained that he even tried to meet her after his work at night but she did not seem to be spending time with him. He also told me that one day, both of them decided to rock climb. While he was climbing, he accidentally twisted his ankle. He said Arina did not seem to care if he was in pain. All she said was, “Sorry, I do not know how to help you.”.
From what they have told me, I could tell that both Arina and Zakir did not get what they wanted from each other in their relationship. The fact that, they called and complained to me of their problems tells me that they actually do care about each other and would want to further their relationship. In addition, after listening to both sides of their stories, I’ve managed to figure out what could be the problem. Both of them spoke different love languages. Arina is more about words of affirmation and acts of service. Whereas, Zakir's love language is, spending quality time and physical touch. What would you guys think that they should do to maintain their relationship? Or what would any of you do if you’re in their position?
Solution:
After reading an article on “10 Tips for Resolving Conflict” by Joyce Marter, gave me some important bits of advice on how do I improve my friends’ relationship.
First, both need to “reflect empathy” towards each other. Both Arina and Zakir need understand how the other person feels. They may not have to agree with their perspective, but they can at least show they understand each other’s feelings.
Secondly, both should learn to “take responsibility for themselves”. This demonstrates awareness and integrity rather than a sign of weakness. From time to time, they could make sincere and timely amends and apologies.
Next, they need to learn to “use assertive communication”. They need to be clear on what they want in their relationship. Whenever possible, “I” statements rather than ”you” statements to reduce defensiveness. (Marter,
J., 2013) For example, “I am quite upset you did not come to my birthday party” rather than “You’re not making the effort to come to my birthday party!”
Being “open and flexible” helps in listening and hearing each other out. Asking question will help clarify things and would make both Arina and Zakir know each others’ feelings.
Lastly, always “forgive”. This, to me, is the most important tip that every relationship should do. One should always be grateful for the learning experience, work acceptance, forgive and letting go of the past. (Marter,
J., 2013) In Arina and Zakir’s case, forgiving each other will help them realise they letting themselves to move forward and forget the past.
Reference: Marter, J. (2013, December 28). 10 Tips for Resolving Conflict. Retrieved
July 06, 2017, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joyce-marter-/conscious-relationships_b_4504510.html
- Edited on 9/7/2017
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Azziz, for sharing this interpersonal problem. I'm certain that your audience will be able to closely relate to the issue. Your telling is quite clear as you provide concrete details to illustrate your friends' frustrations.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few ways that the story could be made clearer. Many of these have to do with verb tense. Please see below:
1) both feels that they are the only ones >>> (number phrasing) both feels that they are the only one
2) in a relationship with each other. >>> (redundancy)
3) reported speech:
-- ...she told me that she has been texting him every day but Zakir would only reply.... >>> (tense error)
...she told me that she HAD been texting him every day but Zakir would only reply....
-- He told her that he is busy that he could not text her back. >>> (tense error/ collocation)
He told her that he WAS SO busy that he could not text her back.
-- ...he complained that Arina did not bother to call him to show that she’s worried for him. >>> (verb tense inconsistency) ?
-- He said Arina did not seem to care if he’s in pain. >>>
4) from his >>> ?
5) to help.”. >>> (punctuation)
6) ...I can tell that both Arina and Zakir did not get what they wanted... >>> (verb tense)
7) Whereas, Zakir is more towards sending quality time and physical touch. >>> (sentence fragment)
I look forward to reading the follow up responses of your classmates.
Hi Brad,
DeleteThank you for you reply and comments on my blog! I will definitely make changes upon it. As for the responses for my classmates, I would get it done by Friday as I just got discharged yesterday night. I hope you could understand my situation. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.
Hi Azziz,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your passage immensely, and can totally relate to this issue. Many times, couples do not get what they want from their significant other and this may cause the other party much frustration when they do not get what they need. This, in fact is extremely common as people usually do not voice out what they need verbally to their partners. This may be due to a cultural belief that Asians hold that they do not request directly, instead beating around the bush hoping that others may somehow guess what they really want. However, your grammar can be better improved for smoother reading by the reader.
To me, both parties in the passage feels like they are the ones giving too much and not getting what they need in return. This may be due to a lack of communication, thus causing friction between the couple. This can be easily solved if the both of them sat down and talk about what they need from each other. This way, the couple can better improve their relationship as well as gaining confidence in what the other wants.
Regards,
Ang Ching Hui
In my opinion, in a love relationship, both parties need to learn how to communicate and listen to the significant other properly. Listen not for the sake of answering back but also to understand the feelings and being truthful to one another.
ReplyDeleteAfter watching a few Korean dramas, I can conclude that the common problem for relationships would be miscommunication. Usually one of the ways to overcome this issue is basically to spend quality time together. An example would be to attend a cooking lesson, art class, picnic at the beach as well meeting up and chatting casually. These few scenarios can help both parties to strengthen the bond as it improves their confidence and they will appreciate having each other's company.
I believe that to sustain to balance and good relationship, a party should be willing to compromise with each other and accept the flaws instead of looking at the negative side and be depressed by complaint to a third party instead.
Regards,
Alfin
Hi Azziz,
ReplyDeleteThis issue is very common and usually couples does not understand what each of them have been doing for the other one. Both parties will eventually feel tired of trying as they do not feel appreciated for what they have done.
You can be a mediator for them and set up a meeting for them to talk about their problems. Both parties must communicate on what they want in the relationship as everyone's expectations and needs are different. One can feel that they are doing so much but the other can feel that it is only normal for them to do so in the relationship.
With their lack of communications, things will continue to snowball if it goes unresolved. I suggest to text both of them to think about what they want in their relationship and ask them to meet each other up physically and talk about their after preparing for it.
-Alvin
Hi Azziz,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your post! The conflict of “I gave, but you did not receive” is a very common problem between relationships, not only in romantic relationship like Amina and Zakir, but also between friends and family members. Why do we only feel upset about it when it is in a romantic relationship? Because, not many people know that it is due to your feelings being more sensitive while being in a romantic relationship. After all, you are aiming to spend the rest of your life with the person that you CHOSE to be together with. If it was just within your friends, you may have drifted from them or even distanced yourself from the way they treated you.
So to solve the problem between Amina and Zakir, it comes with a commonly heard phrase “it takes two hands to clap”. I’m sure you have heard of this phrase, right? According to an article from DRB alternatives, it states that “Whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy depends not so much on the number of conflicts between participants, but on how the conflicts are resolved.” (Bellafiore, 2017) Therefore, it will have a good outcome so long as they manage to resolve the conflict properly.
I will list down a few methods to resolve a conflict, which you can let your friends know when you become the mediator for them!
The most important thing for the whole process is for both to agree on “collaborative resolution” (Heitler, 2012). Through this method there will be 3 steps.
Firstly, both will have to mention their unhappiness to each other despite calling you up to talk about it. This action is called “identifying the problem” (Bellafiore, 2017)
Secondly, they have to remain calm when handling the matter and talk in a friendly tone to prevent further tension of the situation.
Thirdly, conclude by finding a solution that both agrees to. “Decide on the best solution” (Bellafiore, 2017)
Through these 3 steps of collaborative resolution, the solution does not gets resolved completely, both Amina and Zakir would have to act on the solution that they agreed to,
Hope my recommendation helps your friends!
-Lim Sing Yiing
References:
Bellafiore, D. (2016, April 16). Interpersonal Conflict and Effective Communication. Retrieved July 08, 2017, from http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/cc2.html
Heitler, S. (2012, November 14). What Makes Conflict? How Are Conflicts Resolved? Retrieved July 08, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved
There is really good feedback from Sing Yiing for your scenario, Azziz, as she has referenced the approach for conflict resolution from the Bellafiore article. You seem to ignore her and your other commentators though as you reference Marter's step by step approach only. You also have some problems with language use still, not editing the errors I've suggested you work on, and you don't utilize the appropriate in-text citation style.
ReplyDeleteHowever, all that being said, I commend you on the faithful summarizing of Marter. Indeed, you connect the info by Marter with issues in the problem scenario. What might be missing, if I asked you to develop this further, would be how you would communicate this info, passing the advice on to your friends. That's the hard part in relationships, going beyond theory. It is one thing to know how they could improve their relationship but quite another to be able to actually translate these ideas into reality.
Thank you for your effort!